I’m a woman in my early thirties so naturally, per this phase of life, many people are asking and talking about kids. I suppose as a woman, that topic never ceases whether you’re young or old, with children or without. It feels like no matter what we do, we need to explain or justify the decision, either to others or ourselves.
It’s a topic that has been more frequently discussed amongst friends. “Do you want kids?” My honest response is, “I don’t know.” It’s not a simple question. I will say that I do feel lucky to live in a time when this is posed as a question of if and not when. Not too long ago it would have just been assumed that I would have kids.
I see a lot of content about this subject on social media or read about them in articles or journals. I try to absorb information from every point of view, the pros and cons of having kids. The thing that I am finding difficult to grasp is that when women talk about not having or not wanting kids, they seem to talk about it proudly and defiantly. Like they are so sure in their decision and are prepared to back it up. Now, this is something to definitely be proud of, there is absolutely no shame in not having kids. I am simply envious of their confidence in the decision.
I don’t think I want kids. There is an extensive list of reasons why I just don’t think it makes sense. It is incredibly expensive and life feels expensive enough as it is. I wouldn’t be able to travel as much and would have to sacrifice going on random adventures. I feel like I am already so busy, I barely have time to think, I have no idea how I would fit raising a child into my schedule.
Not to mention the endless what if questions; what if they aren’t healthy? What if I have to watch them suffer? What if they hate me? What if I’m a bad parent? What if they are a toxic person? Is that up to me? The list goes on and on and on. I could write an entire essay on all the things that I would be worried about if I had a child.
And yet…and yet, if I didn’t think about any of those things, if you could convince me that I wouldn’t have to sacrifice too much and nothing bad would happen, then the answer would be yes, I want a child. I want to be pregnant and experience birth and I want a baby. Damned my female hormones because I want a fucking baby. I can practically smell their little heads just thinking about it.
I’m envious of other women on social media who seem sure of their choice to be childless because I am not sure, I am not confident. In fact, it makes me sad thinking about the possibility of not having a kid. Does that even make sense? It’s like I’m grieving the loss of something I never had. Everyone else makes it look like the choice is so easy and powerful but it doesn’t feel that way.
Now of course, social media isn’t real and people can write with conviction and not really mean it, it’s easy to hide behind words and online personas. You don’t usually get the full picture. Part of me still wishes that one day I’ll see a woman talking about being childless and say something like, “It wasn’t an easy decision, it wasn’t always a happy decision, but I feel in my heart and soul that it was the right decision. Here are some things I did to cope with it…”
As women we have to justify so many of our actions, everything from big to small, so a lot of the time, we need to seem tough, hardened, and stubbornly sure of our stance. If we show the slightest sign of weakness or doubt, then we are questioned and told we are wrong and we are just being “emotional” or “rash” or worse, that we’ll change our minds. And maybe we will, why can’t we? But I think that is why when women choose to be childless, they have to double down on their decision.
I have never been good at making decisions and this feels like one of the biggest decisions you could make. I can’t tell if I’m overthinking it, or not thinking about it enough.
